Current mood:	thoughtful
Entry tags:	drachenkind, english, fandom, in s, meta-ich

the cat is back.
Nono, I'm not really here. You're imagining things.

To be honest, I felt weird without access to the internet as soon as I was in S. and away from other action. It's scary. I don't like it when I find myself showing symptoms of addiction.
Well, I borrowed my mother's computer temporarily and am trying to cut down my computer time instead of not being online at all.

Merlin fandom is not that good for me. Because it is such a young fandom I thought I could actually keep up with things, but there's so much fic, meta, communication going it that looking at one of the comms already overwhelms me. I'm a slow reader, and I have other things I want to do. Plus, I want my own access to the series, my own reading, and I'm letting other people's talk influence me far to much. It will spoil my fun if I'm not careful.

All of this probably is just a symptom, too - it shows that I'm taking fandom too seriously. I don't mean to say that fandom isn't supposed to be something you're involved in emotionally. It's just my thing: Because fandom and the people I met here are so important for me, I try to fit into patterns that render me acceptable, interesting, open for communication. I try to be productive, visible, nice and friendly.
(And in real life, I'm trying something similar: To be stable, considerate and oh so very open for everything.)
It's exhausting, and I don't even believe in it. It's a bit like I'm a twelve year old in grammar school all over again, struggling to be accepted by some imagined "inner circle" of beautiful and popular people who are nothing like me.

What does popularity matter, anyway? What I really want is being able to communicate with people who matter to me, and participate in discourses I find interesting. As someone who is interested in so many things, always at the margins of something, sitting on the fences between groups, places, topics, I will probably never be an extraordinary fic writer, an influential fan scholar, an essential committee or community member.
It's an old issue for me, but not one I can get over easily.

I say, I dream of being this BNF/published author/scholar who's voice is recognized by many.
My friend (several of them have said this) says, but do you really want that?
And I say, of course I don't. Imagine the energy it costs, all these comments you have to answer, the expectations you face, the commitments.

I'm not very fond of commitments. I like variety. I like contributing a bit here, a bit there. The thought of eight hours of work a day makes me shiver.
I'm learning to do it anyway, being reliable, but I need to choose the my areas of involvement carefully because I'm overstrained easily, and then I go away and regret it later.

At the moment I want to be involved in the sunshine outside, in my free time, my exam preparations, my family, the friends I don't see often enough. Two or three agreements I made about things I want to contribute to fandom.
I want to stop spending most of my time in front of the computer even when I feel like doing something else, and I want to try and take care of my needs.

I went to the isLove Generator; it gave me a most interesting love bar.

existentialism is love
brought to you by the isLove Generator

I could probably write another master's thesis in philosophy about this one. ;) But oh, it is so very fitting for me.

Now, the real reason for the seemingly narcisstic post of narcissm is an altrustic one: (haha) Dragon Egg wants to grow up.


PS: My cats! My cats came back from their holidays! Joy! *hugs the cats*